Laser Mission - Film Review

If the trailer for this film alone didn't tell me that I absolutely needed to see this one, the combination of Brandon Lee and Ernest Borgnine was surely the closing argument for sure. Lee was probably the unintentionally best part of Showdown in Little Tokyo (see my review here), and something just told me that he'd turn in another hilarious performance here as well.

*

Where You Can Find It: I saw this one on Amazon Video, where it is available for free to Amazon Prime members.

General Information 
Laser Mission is an action film released on 20 November 1989 (and 22 August 1990 in America). It was directed by BJ Davis and distributed by Turner Home Entertainment. It was never released to theaters as it was a direct-to-video film that saw a resurgence in popularity after Brandon Lee's untimely death. The film was thoroughly trashed by critics and doesn't have a Metascore or Tomatometer, however the Rotten Tomatoes audience score is a whopping 25%.

The Story

CIA mercenary, Michael Gold (played by Brandon Lee), is on a mission in Angola to help Dr. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) defect to the U.S. before the Soviets can force the scientist to craft a laser weapon as powerful as a nuclear bomb. Things don't go as planned though, when the evil Colonel Kalishnakov (Graham Clarke) gets the jump on Gold. Gold will have to team up with Dr. Braun's daughter, Alissa (Debi Monahan), and chase Kalishnakov down before the Soviets can complete their mission.

If I had to sum up how I feel about this film's plot in only a two words, I would describe it as "hilariously confusing." It's frequently unclear where characters are or what the stakes even are. This is okay though, as apparently the characters aren't even concerned with such things as there are numerous occasions where characters simply accept completely absurd behavior like when a group of Cuban commandos watch Gold parachute into their camp and allow him to take their only means of transportation with no questions. The portion of the film that takes place in the Namibian Desert is probably my personal favorite as people seemingly appear there at random like when Alissa and Gold find a random prospector or assassins appear (on foot) amongst the dunes.

**

Who could ever suspect that this man isn't actually Angolan?

Another thing that cracks me up about this film is that it's essentially like a video game where Gold is playing with cheat codes. 1980's action movies are famous for their invincible protagonists, but Gold is seemingly capable of shrugging off gunshot wounds, explosion, and dehydration with no effort at all. Meanwhile, his ability to disguise himself are on par with Austin Powers as a simple mustache or brown face causes him to become completely inconspicuous while infiltrating villain strongholds.

Special Effects/Atmosphere

Although there isn't much of a soundtrack, this film does boast a pretty decent main theme by David Knopfler. Unfortunately, it seems to be the only song played in the background for most of the film, which becomes incredibly funny as it keeps popping up throughout the movie's run-time.

Arguably the most prevalent issue with this film (that coincidentally contributes to how confusing the plot becomes) is its atrocious editing. Transitions are frequently non-existent, while background music seemingly halts at random. In action sequences, the viewer never gets a good idea of where Gold and Alissa are in contrast to the bad guys, which makes it impossible to know who really has the upper hand. Characters seemingly disappear with no explanation, while other conflicts are seemingly addressed off-screen with no explanation. There's a scene where Alissa gives the Soviets the slip when they try to capture her, only for her to appear kidnapped in the following scene.

Despite the fact that many of the action sequences overstay their welcome, I can't help but love them. There's a massive chase scene involving a seemingly bulletproof VW van loaded with guns that made me wonder if Volkswagen had sponsored this film. Brandon Lee displays some of his martial arts prowess as well, but much of the film favors gunplay and the occasional punch to the face. The concluding face-off between Kalishnakov and Gold was a joy to behold and it made me wish we still had set-pieces like that today.

***

I'm not sure if Volkswagen would be happy or mad about this...

The Acting

Like Showdown in Little Tokyo, Lee carries this film through sheer enthusiasm despite not being all that great of an actor. I could tell he was having a blast while performing, and I couldn't help but join in on the fun as a viewer. Beyond mowing down Soviet goons though, Lee's chemistry with Debi Monahan was practically non-existent, so I'm glad the film never leaned fully into the inevitable romance between the two.

****

Gold and Alissa were not quite the match made in heaven

Another thing that makes this film's plot incredibly hard to follow is the awful accents most of the characters have. I want to think that Borgnine's Dr. Braun is German, but I don't even think Borgnine would be able to tell me. The Soviets are essentially Soviets in name only as many of them wildly shift from Russian accents to German accents with even a few suddenly becoming South African. By the end of the movie, I deduced that Kalishnakov's troops weren't actually Soviets, but actually communist apartheid Nazis with an occasional Cuban thrown in. 

The Best of the Best: Michael Gold killing Colonel Kalishnakov over and over again to the point of where I thought the KGB operative might be part Terminator.

The Worst of the Worst: The awful editing makes this film more of a comedy than it intended to be.

Calhooey Score: 4/10 - Below Average

Would I Recommend?

Laser Mission is the type of film where thought is not only unnecessary, but outright discouraged. It's a fun action flick for those that love films like Commando or Cyborg, just don't expect anything resembling a sensible plot.

-------------------------------------------------Spoiler Comments-----------------------------------------------------

• Did anyone tell Kalishnakov or Dr. Braun that the Soviets already had nuclear weapons by 1989?
• I honestly think that prospector in the Namibian Desert was a ghost. He vanished into thin air.
• Speaking of the Namibian Desert, I guess it's not all that vast since it can be crossed on-foot with no supplies.
• As attractive as Debi Monahan is, something tells me that dress would be pretty grody by the end of the film since that's essentially all she wears through the course of the film.
• I genuinely expected Kalishnakov to leap from the rubble after being hit with a truck. I mean... the guy already survived multiple gunshots, falling, and an explosion.
• Any film that includes Ernest Borgnine's face encased in a diamond deserves a standing ovation.

*****

----------------------------------------------------References--------------------------------------------------

*Laser Mission. (n.d.). Laser Mission film cover image. Retrieved from: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/764660262950535180/794079874058944542/2020-12-30.png.

**brandonlee-love. (n.d.). Bon appetite gif. Tumgir. Retrieved from: https://www.tumgir.com/tag/laser%20mission.

***IMCDB. (n.d.). Laser Mission Volkswagen image. Retrieved from: https://www.imcdb.org/v025375.html.

****brandonlee-love. (n.d.). Such a bitch gif. Tumgir. Retrieved from: https://www.tumgir.com/tag/laser%20mission.

*****Laser Mission. (n.d.). Ernest Borgnine diamond face image. Retrieved from: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/764660262950535180/794079930672873502/laser_mission_3.jpg.