Columbus Circle - Film Review

I feel like I need to rush this review, but not because I'm feeling lazy or anything, but more-so because I'm worried I'll forget the paper-thin quality of this film before I can properly write about it. If you've been reading my reviews, you've probably noticed that I've been watching a lot of awful movies lately. Funnily enough, when I watched this rotten egg, it was under the assumption that it would actually be a good movie. Instead, I think I may have just found my worst movie of the year (thus far). 

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Where You Can Find It: I saw this one on Amazon Prime where you should avoid it at all costs.

General Information 
Columbus Circle was released on 6 March 2012 as a direct-to-video independent thriller. It was directed and co-written by George Gallo (Kevin Pollak also co-wrote). It was distributed by Universal Pictures and holds an (undeserved) six stars on IMDB.

The highlight of this movie was that I originally mistook this for 2020's The Woman in the Window as both movies are thrillers that center on a woman that suffers from agoraphobia. I kept waiting for Gary Oldman and Julianne Moore to show up and save this disaster, but once I realized there were two separate films I gave into despair. 

The Story
Abigail (played by Selma Blair) is a wealthy shut-in at a luxurious apartment building on Columbus Circle in New York City who suffers from agoraphobia. Her elderly neighbor is murdered by what appears to be one of the leftovers from one of the Purge movies and she's forced to deal with the outside world as her new neighbors involve her in their domestic troubles. Abigail will have to overcome her fear of people and hallways as the mystery behind her neighbor's death literally comes to her front door.

Considering this is a thriller movie, the first major wave of disappointment came when the identity and motivations of the villain was telegraphed within the first fifteen or so minutes. There were some hilariously weird scenes where characters would begin to monologue in very strange places at even stranger times. I started laughing out loud when Kevin Pollak's character, Concierge Klandermann, began to give a lengthy creepy speech in someone's apartment about the deceased neighbor while its occupants stared at him in silence.

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If I were stuck in an elevator with Klandermann, I think I'd claw my eyes out

The relationship between Abigail and her new neighbor, Lillian (Amy Smart), felt incredibly rushed. Abigail has been locked away from the outside world for decades, but is immediately willing to accept Lillian into her life and change her ways after knowing her for two days (I'm not exaggerating). The role of NYPD detective, Frank Giardello (Giovanni Ribisi), felt completely pointless as he seemed to be the most inept homicide detective in New York City.

Special Effects/Atmosphere
Most of the movie takes place in the apartment building Abigail lives in, but it is completely uninteresting. Abigail generally spends most of her time cooking and watching news broadcasts about her old life. I think the movie wanted to give a claustrophobic vibe to the movie so that viewers could better connect with Abigail's anxiety about the outside, but her apartment is so expansive and well-lit that I felt like I was more inside a museum than in an apartment. I also found it funny that Abigail still does her makeup and hair despite the fact that she never sees anyone in-person. I'm not saying those that suffer from agoraphobia must look ugly/disheveled, but there was nothing about this movie that made me feel that Abigail was a genuine shut-in.

This is a minor nitpick, but if you're movie is literally titled after a famous place in a city, it'd be nice if the movie was actually filmed in the same city in which it's set in. I've been to New York City on a few occasions and could immediately tell that this was not filmed in New York (it was apparently filmed in Los Angeles). I get that there's budget concerns, but this actually hurt immersion right off the bat. If Detective Giardello hadn't identified himself as NYPD, I probably would've never figured out where the movie was set in despite its title.

The Acting
This movie has some solid actors and actresses behind it, which left me scratching my head as to how it could fumble dialogue and character interactions so much. It's certainly possible that some actors phoned their performances in, but I kind of think that this movie's main issue is awful writing. The dialogue reminded me of the Star Wars prequels where I thought the actors were making attempts to get the script to work, but the writing was just so awful that it could not be salvaged.

I'm going to delve into spoilers slightly, but I feel like it's necessary to bring this up as this is now the second movie I've seen him in. I won't claim to be a big fan of Beau Bridges, but the guy is type-cast at this point as a traitorous villain. As soon as I saw him (and his incredibly ugly mullet) in this movie, I knew that he was up to no good, which immediately ruined much of the mystery to the film. He seems to be a fine actor, but he just doesn't work for this kind of film.

The Best of the Best: Sigh... I guess I'm glad the movie is short at least? It's less than an hour and a half in run-time.

The Worst of the Worst: The concierge monologuing awkwardly after tossing around a tenant's lingerie in the lobby.

Calhooey Score: 2/10 - Awful

Would I Recommend?

This movie is so bad I can't even recommend it for watching as a so-bad-it's-good style of film. It's monotonous and forgettable in every way. Avoid this atrocity at all costs.

-------------------------------------------------Spoiler Comments-----------------------------------------------------

• Did Charlie honestly think Abigail wouldn't try to hurt him when he actively pretended to murder Lillian? It wasn't the knife that killed him, it was stupidity...
• Klandermann seems to take great pride in his career as a concierge, which is funny considering he was willing to throw it all away upon immediately recognizing someone he did time with in prison.
• Also, Klandermann was apparently a hardened criminal all this time? That made no sense to me at all. You'd think luxury places at Columbus Circle would do basic background checks...
• Why didn't Charlie and Lillian just kill Abigail? They were going to flee the country anyways, and they were already wanted for murdering Dr. Fontaine. I'm just saying, Charlie died needlessly and Lillian completely dropped the ball on what just might be the easiest con in all crime history.
• Speaking of Dr. Fontaine, I need to get with his cellphone service provider. The man could get reception while buried in his own garden.

----------------------------------------------------References--------------------------------------------------

(1) IMDB. (n.d.). Columbus Circle film cover image. Retrieved from: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1465533/.   

(2) Oliver, B. (2012, February 28). Klandermann and Charlie in elevator image. Movieman's Guide to the Movies. Retrieved from: http://moviemansguide.com/main/2012/02/review-columbuscircle-bd/.