Hard Ticket to Hawaii - Film Review

After all this time of searching, I had given up hope that I would ever find something as amazingly epic as Miami Connection (you can see my awesome review for that here). There was something majestic about its awfulness that I began to believe could not be replicated. Then I saw this movie and found new hope in life and all of its opportunities. Words cannot describe just how much I enjoyed this film, but I'm damn well going to try with this review. 

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Where You Can Find It: I saw this on Amazon Video where it is available for rent/purchase.

General Information 
Hard Ticket to Hawaii is an action movie that first released straight to home video at some point in March 1987. It was written and directed by the legendary Andy Sidaris with his family's business, Malibu Bay Films, producing and distributing. Like Sidaris' other films, it boasts an extensive cast comprised of Playboy Playmates like Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton (among many others). The movie isn't even registered on Metacritic, but it does retain a respectable 14% Tomatometer rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It's unclear how commercially successful this one was as it's budget remains a mystery, but I'm okay with that as this is clearly a work of art that should be appreciated for its finer qualities as opposed to its ability to make money.

I don't typically include trailers for films that I review, but I feel compelled to include the one for this as I feel like I cannot properly convey just how awesome this film is. Enjoy!

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Man...I miss Hawaii...

The Story

Donna (played by Dona Speir) is an undercover special agent with her partner, Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), who is in the witness protection program in Molokai as they pose as cargo pilots who fight drug dealers. Things get grisly when the pair of buxom blondes accidentally let loose a contaminated snake that's been infected with toxins from cancer-infested rats! That's not all though! The duo also stumbles upon a cache of diamonds meant for the villainous drug dealer, Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), who will stop at nothing to get the stones back. Together, they'll have to team up with the rest of the Agency to bring the criminals to justice!

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Taryn and Donna are on the case!

This movie has everything a serious film viewer could want and more. Beautiful women, rocket launchers, giant reptiles, and martial arts are only the beginning as we join Donna and Taryn in their quest for peace. I'm sure the Hawaiian vistas contributed to this, but I got some serious Magnum P.I. vibes from this as none of the violence ever feels all that serious, while Edy's restaurant may as well be Rick's King Kamehameha Club. I think Sidaris understood that plot isn't all that important when compared against breasts and explosions, so he made sure to double down on both so I never really felt like questioning things (although I did occasionally wonder what happened to the snake for long periods of when it was absent). 

One of the things I appreciate most about this film is how its cheesy story makes it so unique and memorable. In one particular scene near the end, the protagonists forget that they're supposed to be catching Seth, while an earlier scene teaches us the valuable lesson that all exposition should be delivered topless in a jacuzzi. Of course, one cannot discuss just how deep the plot is without bringing up Jimmy John Jackson (Wolf Larson) randomly interrupting the film to pitch the value of proper nutrition by explaining how vitamins work. By the time the credits rolled, I think we can all agree that Vitamin E was the real hero of this film.

Special Effects/Atmosphere

Prior to this movie, I'd only ever seen a four-barrel rocket launcher used in Commando where it was used to efficiently mow down tons of Val Verde soldiers. Now, unlike that movie, Hard Ticket to Hawaii brought a novel approach to even that by using it to shoot at blow-up dolls and giant snakes (they're immune to regular bullets, obviously). Beyond the rocket launcher, I applaud Sidaris' ability to find new and incredibly fascinating ways to dispatch bad guys as we see Donna and the rest of the Agency use everything from nunchakus and throwing stars to frisbees equipped with razor blades!

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He was smoking some heavy doobies

In all seriousness (just for one moment), I quite enjoyed the use of scenery in this movie. I've seen other films and shows that feature in Hawaii, but the backdrop for most of the scenes are really incredible to take in. Beyond that, the music is surprisingly good too, as it even features it's own theme song. The opening credits are also really creatively done as most of the opening scroll is done via prints on cargo boxes that are moved about during the introductory scene.

The Acting

For a movie that stars Playboy Playmates you can definitely tell that this is a movie that stars Playboy Playmates. The acting is so bad that one might think that the performers were intoxicated while filming, and they'd be right. According to IMDB Trivia, Dona Speirs was intoxicated for most of the filming, and in retrospect, I definitely see that. Most of the line delivery is atrocious, but at least everyone seems to be having a good time.

*****

Jade's the best, but make sure not to mess with his beads

Of the people that stand out, I think Harold Diamond truly embraces his role as Jade, the cocky martial artist that teams up with the Agency. His enthusiasm is infectious, and it was hilarious seeing him kick butt. Beyond Jade, Peter Bromilow's sinister Mr. Chang was also awesomely absurd. We don't see much of him in this, but when we do it is a treasure to behold. Lastly, I want to point out that Ronn Moss' jawline is one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen in cinema.

The Best of the Best: Killing a blow-up doll with a rocket launcher.

The Worst of the Worst: Using a katana as a projectile weapon.

Calhooey Score: 2/10 - So Bad It's Good

Would I Recommend?

******

Buy it now or you'll have to play frisbee with Rowdy!

Hard Ticket to Hawaii earns its seven dollar price tag on Amazon Video as it is a true cinematic gem that is only dwarfed by Miami Connection. I've seen a lot of terrible movies, but this arguably rates in my top three of all time. If you have not seen this movie, you desperately need to. Andy Sidaris will change your life! 

-------------------------------------------------Spoiler Comments-----------------------------------------------------

• I want to join whatever agency Donna is in. Not necessarily because of the busty blondes, but it doesn't seem like they do much work and there's a jacuzzi involved.
• How does Taryn run around with a throwing star in her boot?
• Also, I don't think that's how you use nunchakus either...
• I was expecting more of a response to Jimmy John Jackson's lecture on vitamins, but I think the two random dudes he approached reacted how I imagine I would've.
• I love that Rowdy and Jade are fairly passive about nearly being assassinated by a heavy doobie-smoking hitman.
• Jade walks off that gunshot wound to the chest like a pro.
• Seth is almost as unstoppable as Colonel Kalashnakov from Laser Mission. 
• RIP Shades. You just wanted to play frisbee on the beach.
• As awesome as Donna's glider grenade-attack was, it seems like it didn't actually accomplish anything.
• I'm glad Edy remembered the plot.

----------------------------------------------------References--------------------------------------------------

*IMDB. (n.d.). Hard Ticket to Hawaii film image. Retrieved from: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093146/.

**Mill Creek Entertainment. (2019, March 12). Hard Ticket to Hawaii - Original Trailer - HD Restoration! [video]. YouTube. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV7h4-2ZUqE.

***Admin. (2018, May 23). Donna and Taryn image. Least Worst Option. Retrieved from: www.leastworstoption.com/hard-ticket-to-hawaii-1987/.

****Gfycat. (2017, May 18). Skateboard assassin death gif. Retrieved from: https://gfycat.com/highgianthen.

*****Blj4. (2019, July 2). Jade training image. Bede's Bad Movie Tweet. Retrieved from: https://supermarcey.com/2019/07/02/bedes-bad-movie-tweet-a-thon-73-hard-ticket-to-hawaii/.

******Mister Cinecal. (2013, November 17). Frisbee death gif. Retrieved from: mistercinecal.blogspot.com/2013/11/movie-gif-of-day-hard-ticket-to-hawaii.html.