Dungeons & Dragons - Film Review

There's a very fine line between hot garbage and a movie that's so bad that it's good. There's apparently an entire genre of films that are dedicated to making movies of this subset, but I never really got into them as they were designed to be bad. The best ones of the trash pile are undeniably the movies that were made under the premise that they're legitimate cinema that deserve to be regarded on the same levels as classics like Lord of the Rings or Silence of the Lambs. I recall seeing this as a child, but could not wholly comprehend the full extent of the cheese at the time, so I decided to give this a whirl again. 

Dungeons & Dragons (2000) - Rotten Tomatoes*

Where You Can Find It: I watched this on Amazon Prime Video where it is available for rent or digital purchase.

General Information 
Dungeons & Dragons is an action-fantasy movie that was initially released on 8 December 2000. It was directed by Courtney Solomon and distributed by New Line Cinema. It is based on the tabletop roleplaying game that shares the same name. The film holds the position of Number 39 on Empire Online's "50 Worst Movies Ever Made" as well as a meager ten percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Despite all of that, there have been two sequels in 2005 and 2012 although neither of them had theatrical releases. Although I can't verify this, I would expect that Jeremy Irons' friends frequently antagonize him by reminding him he was in this movie (and didn't even receive top billing).

The Story
The generic high-fantasy Empire of Izmir suffers from a pending civil war as the child empress, Savina, begins to voice strong sentiments that all people should be equal. The ruling class of mages/warlocks/wizards/sorcerers (led by Jeremy Irons' Profion) conspire to stop the empress, but cannot openly defeat her as she has a scepter that can control gold dragons. Profion attempts to make his own wand in what I assumed was the castle's boiler room, but it doesn't work so he dispatches his blue-lipped bald henchman, Damodar, to find the location of another scepter that controls red dragons. Damodar's insidious mission is repeatedly foiled by a librarian who teams up with a pair of thieves, a dwarf, and an elf in nipple armor. The film ends when Profion completely ignores his previous plan and just decides to wage open war with the empress until a final rooftop battle with the heroes ends in him getting eaten by a CGI dragon.

Dungeons & Dragons (2000)**

There are numerous plot holes in the story that I quickly learned to just roll with, as well as a lack of chemistry between any of the actors besides possibly Jeremy Irons and Bruce Payne's Damodar. The band of heroes is so absurd I couldn't stop laughing at some segments as there were numerous points that I was baffled what anyone's motivations were. The dwarf (who was hanging around a trash heap) is randomly bumped into by the the group as they're fleeing Damodar's goons and just decides to follow them around after getting shot at with crossbows. I could go on for days here, but let's just say that there's little point in taking the story seriously as it's thoroughly clear that no one in the movie did either.

Special Effects/Atmosphere
I was actually a little surprised by the set-design and special effects. The CGI is about on par with Dwayne Johnson's appearance as the Scorpion King in The Mummy 2, and some of the costume design makes me think that this is a parody film (having the movie star Marlon Wayans certainly didn't help). Despite that, there were some solid set-pieces with the generic high-fantasy tavern actually looking pretty neat. There's a ton of bad CGI and an overuse of green screen, however there is also a solid amount of practical effects that I found most welcome. I'd like to personally thank whoever decided to go all-in on Damodar's blue lipstick as that is now whatever I think of when this movie comes up in conversation.

The Acting
The best part about this movie's acting is that it covers all the bases. You've got Jeremy Irons chewing the scenery so hard that you can tell he was either actually trying or his assistant spiked his afternoon tea. Meanwhile, Marlon Wayans seems to be the only one that recognizes that this movie is a joke and treats it as such accordingly. Half of the "hero group" barely speaks throughout the movie, but I stopped caring well before the elf in nipple armor rounded out the party. Wayans and Irons sell this movie and I applaud them both.

***
Bless you, Jeremy Irons

The Best of the Best: Jeremy Irons cackling and chanting magical rubbish was such a joy to behold.

The Worst of the Worst: Wayans getting stabbed and thrown out a window. It deprived us of more Wayans for the final fight-scene.

Calhooey Score: 2/10 - So bad it's good

Would I Recommend?
****
Jeremy Irons says "yes"

This movie is blissfully short, which makes it perfect for lambasting with friends while getting drunk. If you remotely take movies seriously, I'd avoid this at all costs. For those that simply want something to point and laugh at: This is clearly for you.

-------------------------------------------------Spoiler Comments-----------------------------------------------------
  • So is Snails dead then? Did the red gem transport everyone else to the afterlife?
    • Did they seriously think that they were going to get greenlit for a theatrical sequel?
  • The Thieves' Guild of Izmir has a death labyrinth designed purely for people to try and steal its treasure only for them to hand it back to the owner afterwards.
  • I kept waiting for the curse of the Red Dragon Scepter to come into play and apparently it never did. That skeleton lied to us. 
----------------------------------------------------References--------------------------------------------------

*Rotten Tomatoes. (n.d.). Dungeons & Dragons film cover image. Retrieved from: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/dungeons_and_dragons. 
**Virtual History. (n.d.). Dungeons & Dragons movie cast image. Retrieved from: https://www.virtual-history.com/movie/film/24780/dungeons-dragons. 
***Sumio Mondo. (2020, April 30). Profion/Jeremy Irons gif. Reset Era. Retrieved from: https://www.resetera.com/threads/i-somehow-forgot-the-dungeons-and-dragons-movie-exists-and-i-clearly-need-to-rewatch-it.195126/. 

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